Away.

I sometimes think that I am seriously going psycho.

I over-analyze things. I worry about things that haven’t happened. I stress over people that don’t need to be stressed over. I don’t trust the people I should trust the most in my life. I expect the worst. Always.

Which is why I don’t like being away. At least last summer I was busy. I had things to occupy my mind. I didn’t have to worry about anyone. I didn’t have to think about anyone. All I had to do was stay awake and stay positive for the campers. I was living my life for someone else. And now? Well now I don’t have anyone else to devote my time to, so I think. I think about everything that I shouldn’t.

Facebook, Livejournal, Blogs, Twitter…. I love them all, but they cause me to worry even more. It lets me worry about people even more because I can check them out. I can check out what everyone is doing, whenever I want.

I don’t know what I want out of this summer. I just want to be in touch. I feel like I am never grounded and I am always gone, or away from everyone. I just want a worry-free summer. That’s what it is supposed to be. I am excited to get on the boat tomorrow and head home. I want all my worries to be proven wrong. It’s like, when things are good, I expect something bad to happen because, nothing can ever be that good.

Please surprise me.

Hope

I want to talk.

I want to talk, discuss, argue, get heated and passionate about a topic. I want to share and laugh and cry because of an issue. I want to share what is most important to me, but yet it happens to be the thing that no one wants to talk about.

Religion.

I actually hate that word. And I hate the idea that christianity is… a religion. I’ve been reading a lot of Don Miller lately and maybe that is why I am feeling like this, but he talks a lot about how with christianity there is no formula or steps on how to be “christian.” It’s a relationship. And I LOVE relationships. We all do, whether we believe it or not.

We don’t need to know all the answers to become interested in christianity. In fact, I don’t think we are supposed to know all the answers. Because if we did, would that even be faith? Or would that be like trusting in mathematical equations that we KNOW do not waver or challenge us?

I like the fact that I don’t know anything. I like the fact that I am constantly learning more and more about the way I live.

I can’t imagine not having anything to question about why I am here. Or why I feel these feelings, or why when something happens I know in my heart it was more than just a coincidence.

Religion is more about repenting, asking for forgiveness and praying in a church to feel good about yourself. It’s about a relationship. It’s about believing in something amazing and passionate that happened, and knowing that we are all a part of it. It’s acceptance. It’s love. It’s the hope that there is something better than this world we live in. It’s hope that this is NOT how it was supposed to be, and it’s the hope that we can make it better. It’s hope in general. Hope that everything is okay, hope that we are loved unconditionally, and hoped that someone out there is bigger and in charge of us.

I believe that the longings in my heart are there for a reason, and I wish people would be willing to talk about it with me.

I don’t know all the answers. I don’t know all the history. And I don’t know all the science. But I know my heart and I know my happiness and I know it comes from somewhere. And I have hope that what I know is right.

it’s a cruel world

Since I have been driving around town for nearly 3 weeks now without a license I figured it was time to take a visit to the Secretary of State to get a new one.

Little did I know that it is truly the goal of that place to never let anyone have a good license picture. In 10th grade when I got my first license I thought I was really cool. I had hipster glasses and a goodwill purchased Ayso t-shirt. Man was I original.

As I walked into the office today, I did not know that I had to get my picture taken. Don’t they have those things on file? Aren’t they horrible enough the first time? I mean, I’ve seen some pretty awful license pictures. 16-year-olds looking cracked out and awkward. I didn’t want to go through it again.

This time I had come from dance rehearsal. Boy was I a catch. With my sweatband headband and nasty hair and hoodie. Woo-wee! Not only did I become flustered when she told me to step into the grey box for a picture that I was not expecting, but then I didn’t hear her say “smile” in the most monotone voice I’ve ever heard. It was more of a grunt.

Only about a half second later did I react and realize that I should probably smile. Flash. Too late.

“How does that look?” She replied with a hidden laugh. I heard it. She knew I wasn’t ready.

“It’s uhhhhh fine I guess.” I was too afraid to tell her I looked like I was learning to smile and like a wanna-be hippie. Ugh.

No matter what, no matter how prepared you are, you’re destined to get a semi-awkward license picture. It’s their goal.

Well, only 376 days until my 21st birthday (YEAH!) when I can get a new one. Maybe then it will be slightly less awkward, but I highly doubt it.

community

Is it weird that my idea of a great evening is sitting around in a camp cabin eating junk food and talking about not-camp-appropriate-things with friends that I haven’t seen in months?

Is it weird that sleeping on a nasty skinny mattress with no sheets and a borrowed blanket can sometimes be the most comfortable place for me to rest?

Is it maybe just a little weird that I found some joy in the fact that ants were having a mutiny in my car this morning due to the fact I left my box of goldfish open in the cabin? Which then led me to pulling over in some cow farm so that I could run around my car twice shaking all of the nasty creatures off my body and leaving my goldfish crackers on the side of the road.

Is it weird that I laughed so hard over footie pajamas that I thought I was going to have a little…uh…accident?

I don’t think so. Not when you’ve been a camp counselor. Not when you walk into your old camp grounds and immediately  lose about 4 years of your maturity. Luckily I can say “well I’m only a sophomore.” But I was definitely laughing with some people who were definitely going to be real people in the real world really soon.

If there is one thing that last night taught me (camp reunion), it is that you have the most fun when you are the most comfortable with yourself. When not showering doesn’t matter. And going to Meijer in your pajamas and dress-up boots is really not that different. And hugging is a natural part of the “hello” and the “goodbye” of each and everyday. And when saying “I love you” to everyone you see is not only real but absolutely necessary.

Community is a good thing. Real community. Community where you are being yourself no matter how immature it may be. A community where openness is what keeps it alive. It’s nice to know that my “camp friends” have continued to be “real friends” and that my “real friends” are still my “real friends.” Communities are what make life enjoyable. No matter how many you have and no matter where they reside.

So no matter what it is that makes you laugh and cry and share and love all at the same time, have it. Have it and enjoy it and don’t ever lose it.

not quite ready

Graduation for some MSU students is less than two weeks away.

And I am ECSTATIC that I am not one of them.

The real world is scary at any point in someone’s life. But especially now. With Michigan’s unemployment rate up to 9.3 percent in October (a whole 3.4 percent higher than the year before) I am more than happy to be attending classes and life-guarding part time.

We as students spend all of our time preparing for the future. We write papers, we take tests, we memorize facts and we make resumes. But maybe we should be preparing for what to do when we can’t find a job. When all those papers won’t mean anything and all of those tests will be long forgotten. When we are living in our parents basement working at our old high school job and checking our e-mails for hopeful job interviews. It’s a pessimistic thought, but I don’t think it’s an unreal assumption.

I want to graduate college and find a job working for a magazine where I design artsy and ground breaking layouts that people all over the world can look at it.

But with the way things are I wouldn’t be surprised if I became stuck writing in this blog for the rest of my life. For now I will enjoy doing my homework and taking my tests. Because that seems a heck of a lot safer than what comes after graduating from this place.

no, you’re WRONG.

After the night of the election Facebook statuses were off the wall. Whether they were expressions of pure joy or complete horror, people’s voices were heard. I saw a few voices however, that I couldn’t help but question and honestly want to slap in the face.

For the sake of this blog we will call this person Bobby.

“Bobby is stoked that proposal 1 passed…now I can smoke marijuana legally!!!”

Really? Did you really not read what the proposal actually said? Are you really that oblivious to what is going on and think that marijuana is now available to everyone?

Well you’re wrong. You cannot smoke marijuana legally. In fact, for even a small possession of it you can still get up to 6 months in jail and a $500 fine.

So I wish the best of luck to you when you try to use proposal 1 as an excuse while you’re enjoying your joints and having your high.

good for now

Everyone on campus is in high spirits today.

The sun is shining, it’s 70 degrees and it is finally election day.

Students are riding bikes, wearing shorts and relaxing in the courtyards of dormitories. They are writing on sidewalks to vote for their candidate and supporting them by wearing t-shirts. 

However, after 8 pm tonight these same joyous people might not be smiling anymore.

If there are no errors, we will have a new president tonight. One party will be overjoyed while the other will be worried about the future of our country. This election is so close, with candidates SO different that things are not going to go over easy. Many people, whether they are students or workers, are going to be unhappy about what the polls decide. We’ve done all we can to make a change in our country and now all we can do is wait.

So enjoy the sunshine and enjoy the excitement. For all we know, things could be completely different tomorrow.

Don’t waste it

 

Even the famous blog, Post Secret ( http://www.postsecret.com ) is talking about it. Tomorrow is election day.

We all talk about it and we all tell everyone we are going to do it, but how many of us will actually end up going to the polls and voting?

It seems as though this election there are more registered voters than ever. Long lines, traffic and time all factor into the voting process. If you’re a first time voter, you might not even know where you are supposed to go tomorrow.

Maybe you haven’t decided yet. CNN’s average of national polls show that 5 percent of voters still don’t know who they are voting for. What if that 5 percent still can’t decide by tomorrow before 8 pm?

As Americans we are given one of the best opportunities of a lifetime tomorrow. We have the possibility to help choose our future here in the US. Let’s make sure that we don’t waste it.

Go vote!

Nurses and cops and sluts, Oh my!

Happy Halloween-Eve. 

Even though it’s Thursday, the holiday has already begun. Unless you want your children to see sponge-bath Betty or Nancy the naughty nun stumbling down Grand River, keep them away from East Lansing!

It’s tradition for girls to flaunt it all on Halloween. It’s normal to go out wearing a not-so-revealing costume, and if you don’t you will instantly feel out of place. And heaven forbid, you might even have to pay for your cup.

Halloween has become one of colleges most anticipated party-nights of the year. I feel as though I’m not that well-known here at State, but I’ve already been invited to over three Halloween parties via Facebook.

Even the events are promoting promiscuity.

“Being drunk is fun. Being drunk while dressed as a slutty witch? no comparison.”

“Halloween party, guys come dressed. girls come slutty.”

It’s funny to me how normal this is. It’s funny how we criticize the media for making women feel that they need to be scandalous to be sexy, but when a frat-house says the only way we can get a cup is by baring it all we completely give in.

I’m not saying I disrespect those who are dressed scantily clad. I mean, we all make our mistakes.

But if I see you at a party wearing nothing but undergarments and claiming to be a straight-up hooker for Halloween, I think you’ve got some issues you need to work out.

These next to nothing costumes are nothing new. I heard a girl in class yesterday talk about how her mother was a playboy bunny for halloween back in the late 70’s. However, her skirt was knee length long and covered all that should be kept private.

I think that the movie “Mean Girls” summed it up quite perfectly.

“In ‘girl world,’ Halloween is the one night a year when girls can dress like a total slut and no other girls can say anything about it.”

So i guess you can take this blog as a warning to your naive eyes. Whether you’re a freshman at MSU or a oblivious Mother taking your children on a stroll, stay away from the MSU campus where booties will be a plenty and nothing will be left to the imagination.

Just Love

So this morning I couldn’t fall asleep and even though it was early I decided to pick up the book I’ve been reading for like 4 months and keep on trucking.

The book is called “Blue Like Jazz” and it is by Donald Miller- you could say it’s a “Christian-oriented” book, but it’s really just this guys thoughts on life and in some parts how God fits in.

However: the chapter I read today was on Romance…ooohhh! In the book he is having a conversation with one of his married friends. His friend is trying his best to describe marriage and how it is too wonderful for words. He then continues to give Don advice on how to better get rid of his fear of intimacy. Towards the end of the chapter there is a monologue that Donald has written based on the advice his friend gave him.

“I will love you like God, because of God, mighted by the power of God. I will stop expecting your love, demanding your love, trading for your love, gaming for your love. I will simply love. I am giving myself to you, and tomorrow I will do it again.”

I know it’s really intense, but I really like it. And I know for those of you who aren’t a believer in a God you are probably wondering why that first part needs to be included. But heres what I think. God tells us to love our neighbor. It is his greatest command, to simply love. And though it seems easy, it’s actually the hardest. Whether it’s with a significant other or a friend, loving can sometimes be the hardest thing. You can say you love someone, but do you really?

When we say we love you to someone, we expect them to say it back. We expect them to give us something in return. If we do something nice for them, we expect something nice back. We want to hear a “Thank you!” or a “You made my day!” We are not the kind of people that just do things to be nice. We are supposed to give and not expect anything in return. But we are the kind of people that would rather give to a charity and let everyone know about it, than give to a charity without telling anyone.

But that doesn’t work. Soon that person won’t live up to your expectations. Friends won’t be nice enough back. People start to not say thank you. And with family, it’s just expected they will do things for you.

I’m not telling you to say thank you. I’m not telling you to repay the favors that are given to you, I’m suggesting something that I am horrible at. Maybe we need to “just love.” The minute we start expecting and demanding things back is the moment things fall apart.

So whether it’s with a friend, a boyfriend or a family member “simply love.” Don’t trade those words for affirmation, just say them and mean them.

I am going to try today. I couldn’t help but feel guilty once I finished reading this and maybe it’s about time I quit thinking of myself.